What a month I have had. The colder months are always a strain as my muscles and joints seize up and inflame among general day to day life quite difficult. I had a cold which seemed to set my Lupus symptoms into override and culminated in my back muscles complaining in a very loud voice. This flare up however found me in a different state of mind. I have finally accepted I have Lupus, fibromylagia and a degenerative spinal disorder, you may think that should have been a given, but it wasn't. I struggled with the idea that my body was no longer going to be able to do the things that I had done in the past with ease and a lot of gusto. I struggled and I fought it for 3 years and this did me no favours. As each flare up arrived and ravaged my body I would fall into despair. I hated being reliant on others, hated the fact that I had a condition where there is no cure and a drug regime that was hit or miss and no good news for the future. This last summer I began to accept my condition and even find the positives of having my condition. My life is very different to what it was 5 years ago and a lot of those differences do make my life more enjoyable so when I had a flare up 2 weeks ago it found me relaxed and ready top deal with it in a more chilled out way.
There are so many beautiful, interesting and inspiring things in life that if you blink you may miss the things that make life worth living. Lupus has forced me to stop and stare, take a moment to take a deep breath and enjoy the moment. I notice things like a collection of birds in my front garden, the stars in the sky very beautiful here in Sussex. The many wonderful shapes that the clouds make, the squirrels as they leap from tree to tree and thew best of all, the stunning scenery that is all around me here in West Sussex.
To all my Lupie friends out there I know how hard it is to stay positive when you are dealing with constant pain, extreme fatigue, hair loss and unsightly rashes, but just try and look for the positives as it really helps in the long run. I am sitting here propped by 3 cushions trying not to move to quickly so I don't provoke my back but I am thinking about the beautiful papers I got in the post and what projects I am going to make later, the book I am going to start reading later about the last slave market in West Africa and the lovely dinner that my partner is cooking for us. OK I can't run a marathon anymore, play rugby or football, climb a mountain or trek across the Himalayas but I have got many other things in my life that bring me joy I just needed to open my eyes and notice what was already around me.
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